Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about risk, even before being asked to participate in this blog. I have spent a lot of time kicking myself for not taking enough risks, bigger risks, the “right” risks.
An assignment from my coach, the lovely and talented Ms. Laura Biering, to practice not judging myself for 2 weeks, helped me to realize that I have a panel of judges living in my head and they are very busy. This faceless panel of judges, in their black robes and their posture of disapproval, criticizes and questions my every move. This same panel is judging the rightness and wrongness of my risks, and preventing me from taking them.
Who is that panel? How did they get into my liberal, free-spirited, personal-happiness-is-the-meaning-of-life, head? Is this just something that happens as we get older? Did they start moving in after a childhood of climbing rock faces in the Idaho desert with my siblings, never afraid of “too high”, never worrying that we couldn’t see what was on that next ledge, never letting a scraped knee or a near slip slow us down? Was it after my first unassisted bike ride – zipping down the gravel driveway, so happy with my accomplishment, I couldn’t see for the tears? Was it after my first date, my first kiss? Getting (and quitting) my first job(s)? Moving across the country away from everything I’ve ever known? Marriage, divorce, coming out? My first heartbreak? Starting over and falling in love again?
Whenever it was, at some point they moved from being helpful: protecting me from wearing that flowered jacket with the plaid pants, from driving 90 miles an hour just because I can; to being debilitating, keeping me in place, stuck. Lately, they have become entrenched, unwilling to leave, refusing to look away, even for a moment. They are comfortable right where they’re at, thank you very much. Their polished shoes are on the polished desk; they are kicked back, eating chips (and leaving crumbs everywhere) and, lobbing “what ifs” and “buts” and “don’t bothers” at me. And despite all the risks I’ve already survived, I’ve been listening without even realizing it. I’ve become comfortable too. However, thanks to this assignment, I’m noticing them again and frankly; I’m becoming more and more impatient with them and their limits, their “protections”.
So, for the next two weeks, no judging, no judging my accidental judging. Two weeks without apologizing for myself, without disparaging myself, without dismissal, without “shoulds” or “toos” or “can’ts”. Two weeks of accepting compliments without excuses. Two weeks of acceptance, of acknowledging me, just as I am.
It scares me, but even writing about it feels good, it feels free, it feels… risky – and I like it.
Janet K. Carter is a creative and versatile marketing professional with fifteen years experience in marketing/marketing operations. She is currently seeking opportunities for meaningful employment with an organization where her skills and experience will be put to work towards improving environmental and/or social conditions. Connect with Janet at LinkedIn.
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Woo-hoo Janet! G’on wit yo bad self!
I love that you said, “…no judging my accidental judging…” I’m so glad that you included that, because you probably will catch yourself judging a time or two – but that’s no reason to beat yourself up. It’s about progress, not perfection, I always say.
Yay for you!!
Janet – this is GORGEOUS!!! Thank you so much for “outing” the judges. Mine are squirming just from reading your post!
This is so inspiring, Janet. I’m IN, too! My panel of judges is actually feeling relieved. They get so tired sometimes and are secretly glad for a break.