Have you ever felt like no matter what you decide to do about a situation you will be taking a risk?  That is where I am right now.

For several months, I have been looking at job postings in hopes of finding something that is the right fit for my situation.  (Some might call this being picky, especially given the economy.)  I would like it to be a part-time position so that I can continue to to have most of my time available for my children. In the ideal world, it would be intellectually stimulating and purpose driven.  I recognize that this is a big wish in this economy, but I would like to be compensated in line with my education and experience.  And oddly enough, I would like to change my professional direction.

Instead, what recently became available is something that is short term, part-time, and somewhat intellectually engaging.  It is a significant pay cut compared to what I have earned in the past.  In fact, it doesn’t even cover the cost of child care.   It is the sort of work I studied to do in college and did for years before having my first child, but on a much smaller scale.  But most importantly, it is not in the direction I am hoping to move.  And therein lies the risk.  The job-as opposed to career opportunity-offers a little supplemental income, some time out of the house thinking with adults, and a familiar task that I am capable of doing.  But it does not permit me to be the something different that has been gnawing at me.  Instead of moving in a new direction, it is marking time, maybe even a step backward.  It is settling.  It feels like by accepting, I have given up on my dream in order to stick to the known path.

Turning it down risks that I will not get another chance that meets even some of my criteria.  What if nothing else comes along?  But there is more at risk.  Accepting it risks that I will never fully develop in the other areas that I want to and so will end up with neither what I could have done nor what I really wanted to do.  And there is my family to consider.    We are currently able to pay our bills and cover the necessities with some careful spending and coupon cutting, but things are stretched pretty tightly.  There are a good amount of simple pleasures that we have eliminated from our life that might be added back in for a month or two if I accept this.  Putting my dreams first risks giving up those perks for my whole family, not just me.

So either way, this decision weighs very heavily on me.  And I think  it will continue to until I make the decision.  Once I do, I will have to live with the risk I choose to take, as will my family.  If it were just me to consider, this would be a much easier decision. My deadline for making a decision is quickly approaching.  The question is:  What am I willing to risk?

Tessa Lemos is a Chicana who grew up and was educated in the Pacific Northwest, blossomed in New York City, and now lives in Nashville where she continues to learn and grow. She is a lawyer by training, administrator by profession, and organizer by habit. She spends her days with her children and her nights with her husband and squeezes in the words as much as possible.
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