What felt like a tiny risk a month ago has grown into a major accomplishment.

Last month I wrote about deciding to be on time.  I had to face some uncomfortable facts about myself, and I had to choose to change some behaviors.  The risky part was admitting that my lateness wasn’t a charming personality trait:  it was a bad habit, nothing more and nothing less.

For the last month, I’ve been putting gold stars on my calendar whenever I’m on time, and black marks whenever I’m late, even by a minute.  The percentage of gold stars is growing, and they make my calendar look bright and triumphant, hanging on the back of my kitchen door.  The black marks don’t depress me; they just remind me that I still have work to do.

So, if I can change this seemingly fixed aspect of my personality, what else can I change?  Scary question.  And the answer has come more quickly than I expected.  I can stop seeking approval in my career, and start believing in myself, no matter what anyone else thinks of me.

The other day I was working with a director for the first time, and I caught myself thinking that she might not like my work.  She might already be regretting her decision to cast me.  After all, I have this flaw and that weakness.  I’m not really the kind of actor she’s looking for. 

And then it hit me:  oh, I have this flaw and that weakness, and I assume that those are set in stone.  I assume that they hold me back, and that people only work with me because they are willing to overlook those flaws.  But the flaws are part of me, and alas, there is nothing I can do about them. I must depend on the kindness of strangers if I am to advance in my career.

Really?  What if those flaws are like my tendency to be late:  bad habits, nothing more, nothing less?  What if I can do something about them?  What would happen if I did?  Can I risk being perceived, and perceiving myself, in a new light?

I’ve already started seeking some training this month to improve in the areas where I believe I’m weak.  I’m already seeing progress – frustratingly slow progress, but progress just the same.  I’m already tempted to give up the struggle and fall back on my weakness.

But I’m really curious to know what will happen if I don’t.

Carolyn Cook is a sometimes peaceful, sometimes frazzled individual who works to raise a daughter, build a marriage, and explore the human condition through theatre, art, music, history, literature, and relationship.
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