Whenever we take a risk, we take along those we love and care about. Our risks involve some degree of risk for them also. Sometimes, we have to take on a “risk” for a loved one, and we go along for the ride.

I’m sure there are many of you walking in my shoes. I’ve heard us called the “sandwich” generation, “sandwiched” as we are between the needs of our aging parents and the needs of our own families. My personal favorite (from my sister’s piano teacher) is “pivot”, as in we “pivot” back and forth between the needs of our parents and our children.

It’s getting a little easier at our house in that our children are grown and embarking on lives of their own, but they still need us from time to time. My dear Mother will be 89 this year, and is now at the point where she needs more help and care than we can currently provide her.  While my wonderful husband and I have our own plans and dreams for the future, I continue to “pivot” between my Mother and my children (and grandchildren).

In July, I took a trip to Colorado to spend time with my Mother and my sisters. My sisters and I have had concerns about Mother’s ability to continue living independently in her own home for some time now. We now believe (know) the time has come to alter our Mother’s living arrangements. We have done all we can to keep her independent and in her own home. But, she’s no longer able to be as safe on her own as we need her to be for our own peace of mind.

What are our options? Twenty-four hour in-home care, assisted living, bringing her to live with one of us.  Each of these choices has a certain risk associated with it:

Twenty-four hour in-home care is expensive, and there’s the whole trust issue. Who do you trust to be in your beloved parent’s home 24 hours a day?

Assisted living can also be expensive and again there’s a trust issue, but Mom would have access to her own peer group and many activities and opportunities that she is currently unable to participate in on a regular basis.

Having Mom live with one of us is probably the most cost effective, but can we provide her with a peer group and the other opportunities that she might have in an assisted living environment? Which one of us makes this offer? How do the rest of us help, when traveling between us is not really an option for Mom? Not to mention, how will our own lives be impacted?

Then we have the risk of communicating this to Mom. Mom doesn’t understand that she can’t just go on living in her own home as she is. She doesn’t understand that she isn’t safe anymore. How do we help her see the need for a more structured environment? How do we help her to not feel abandoned? How do we ease her into this transition? How do we help her deal with what she sees as a loss of her “independence”?

Then there’s me.  If assisted living is the best choice, and I believe ultimately it is; how do I deal with and get over the guilt of not bringing her to live with me? Even as I know in my head that this is the best decision for all of us, my heart hurts, and there’s a little voice whispering in my ear telling me I’m not being the good daughter.  The voice that tells me that Mom sacrificed for me and that she loves me, and how could I take her anywhere but into my home?

These decisions loom large and full of risks, both seen and unseen. Risks for Mom and for my sisters and I. Hopefully, acceptance and comfort will come to all of us as these difficult decisions are made.

Helen Medve is recently retired and is currently trying to figure out where her life will take her next. She wears many hats: wife, mother, daughter, grandmother, sister, ex-professional person, friend. She is excited about where life will take her next, and invites you along on her journey.
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