When I was a child, my idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up changed almost weekly, from a teacher to a research chemist to a psychiatrist to an opera singer. One thing I never wavered on, however, was my plan to be a “mommy.” Being the oldest of six children, I knew early those tuggings termed maternal nurture. I remember crying on my twelfth Christmas, knowing that the next year, I’d be too old for baby dolls.

​Flash forward to my twenty-fifth year. Everything seemed right in my timeline. I was engaged to be married, and was expecting my first child. But at twelve weeks gestation, I miscarried that child, and I called off the marriage (for other reasons.) I won’t list here the details of my failed relationships and reproductive problems, but at age 40, I finally had to have a hysterectomy, which naturally quashed all dreams of motherhood.

​For a season, I was devastated, even bitter. I became comfortable in seeing myself as “wronged” by the universe. Anger does have a certain energizing force, after all. Eventually, though, anger turned to depression, and that wasn’t nearly as satisfying. I knew I had to take the risk of letting go of those comfortable angry feelings, but it was scary. What would I replace them with? Would I ever be happy when my fondest dream in life could now never possibly come true? I didn’t know for sure, but I was willing to be open to whatever came next for me. And what a glorious next chapter unfolded:

​See, while all of that drama was going on, I was fortunate to have a sister who honored me by allowing me to be a part of her children’s lives. They stayed with me often when they were little ones, and each in their turn lived with me during the rough teenage years. Today, all three of them are parents themselves, and guess what? My oldest niece and her child lives with me, as does my oldest nephew, his significant other, and their baby.

It may not be the family I envisioned as a young child, but I have a houseful of people whom I love, and who love me. I get to play the mother role and the grandmother role.

​I challenge you to look at your life, and at the things at which you think you have failed. Perhaps, just perhaps, you may have attained that very thing, only it doesn’t look exactly the way you thought it would. A change in perspective can often put your whole world into focus.

Julie Taliaferro is a former Social Worker, and acted as community leader on ivillage's (a division of NBC) Poets' Workshop. She has been the editor of Manic Musings Magazine since 2001. Ms. Taliaferro is a singer, actress, poet, and writer. Her mantra is "Loving is definitely the scariest thing you can possibly do. Love anyway!"
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