For the past 16 years, I have been mothering a mostly delightful child. OK, let’s be more specific. For the first 12 years, an entirely delightful child. Then things started to change. And now, 16 years into motherhood, I can truthfully say I feel like I’m living with a possessed alien. I’ve never known such a miserable person, never seen such anger, such sloth, such a profound level of disengagement, and such total disregard for the rules of life. That I have to live with this person, that I have to come home to this person every day, that I have no one else to help me manage this person, and that I am watching this person slip away from me a little bit more each day, is a fresh hell. Everyone laughs and mutters “teenagers!” and assures me that in another X years (I’ve heard anywhere from 2 to 10), she will return to me, a delightful adult human being, and our relationship will be restored. To have absolutely no faith that that is going to happen is so deeply troubling.
She’s done therapy, but she didn’t want to unburden herself with someone she considered a stranger, so it was pretty pointless. She’s done medication. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve talked, we’ve slammed doors. She’s been punished. She’s been forgiven. She’s been understood, and she’s been misunderstood. The more I try to rein her in, the worse our relationship gets, and the more she pushes me away. She’s getting high, as did I at her age, but her grades are falling, and she could not care less. She likes to bring up suicide every so often, just to terrorize me. We both know she won’t go there, but she likes to keep me on my toes. She is the master manipulator.
I want my life back. I want my daughter back. I see no light at the end of this tunnel. I’m sure she’ll run away the next time I get tough with her. Tough love, my friends tell me, is the only way to go at this point. Shut her down. How big a risk is it? How am I supposed to ever get comfortable with my daughter’s hating me?
Randy Foster is a confused communications professional who was recently laid off from her job of 22 years, and thus unemployed for the first time in 34 years. She has no earthly idea what she wants to do with the rest of her life, but figured things can't get any riskier, so what the hell. Randy is also the single mother of a very high maintenance teen-aged daughter who remains the greatest risk of all.
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I am on my 6th child, a son. My 2 daughters led the way. I’m not going to tell you that it will EVER get back to what you had. It won’t. But it will get better. She will grow through this. And you will be waiting for her on the other side. :^)
Randy,
Ok, I’m not going to tell you how many years it will be until your daughter becomes herself once again, because I don’t know how many. I do know, though, that odds are she will. Here is what I’ve learned will increase those odds:
1. Stand firm with your rules in a calm, hello-you’re-not-new-here kind of way. (Easier said than done, I KNOW.) But there’s something about the mix of matter-of-fact-ness and FIRMness that lets her push against your boundaries and feel you hold steadfast that assures her somewhere in that little bit of rational mind she has left (LOL) that Mom not only deeply loves her, but she’s safe with you – without it becoming about a battle of wills. They are always testing us. Always. Consciously, or not.
2. However you can, whenever you can, tell her you love her and that you believe in the fantastic human being she is. Tell her about how you know this is a required phase of growing up and that you can see past it to who she is becoming and you’re proud of her now, despite the drama and you’ll be proud of her then. Your vision is much more far-sighted than hers. Use that to your advantage. You have been where she is, but she hasn’t been where you are. Draw confidence from the fact that you survived your teens – she’s your daughter – so will she survive.
3. Don’t worry whether she likes you. She’s not supposed to right now. When she screams, “I hate you”, hear, “I love you”, instead – because that’s what she really means.
My oldest blew out of here in a rage of glory the likes of which I haven’t seen since (knock on wood!) when he was just 16. For nine long months, I didn’t know where he was, whether he was dead or alive, or what. Pure-D-HELL. I had to learn to let go while still holding on (which, to me, is what parenting turns out to be all about) with a quickness in order to save my sanity and parent the two I still had at home.
He’s 23 this year, and he’s told me several times that when he was out there on his own he kept hearing me whisper in the back of his mind, “I love you. I believe in you. You are SO worth the hell we are going through. Everything I do where you are concerned is about me steering you toward the fantastic person I see in you. I love you and I have faith you’ll see him, too, one day.”
I must have said that to him a thousand times – laughing, crying, screaming, muttering – every time I thought he might hear me.
Today he tells me I am the only one he can really talk to, who really listens.
I don’t know how long your hell with last, but it IS worth it.
Randy,
I haven’t heard or read from you or others who have commented, what I am about to share with you:
Can you for a moment imagine that the problem you are facing with your daughter is coming from within you? Maybe you have already investigated that possibility, I don’t know. What I’m offering is the energy information of projection. On the most basic level, everything that has manifested was once in thought form. By law of attraction, we receive what we spend time thinking about. The old saying, “be careful what you wish for” was never more true. You could say “I never wished this on myself or my daughter!” but stating what you don’t want to experience without spending a whole lot of time and energy thinking and praying and meditating on what you do want instead is for most of us, often the case.
What I am suggesting is a big shift of emphasis from what’s going wrong with your daughter to focusing on what it would feel like to know well being in all areas of your life. Tall order; asking you to walk a very narrow margin of (pardon the overused word) “positive” thoughts. Expect to reel your mind in again and again and again, etc.
Call me if this sounds helpful and I would be honored to explore this form of transformative healing with you.
mickidharma@sbcglobal.net
630-699-1956
Oh and did I mention I have two sons, 27 and 24 who I do not recognize for the most part, do not feel close to and have any number of reasons to worry about their success let alone next breath? (Can we talk unemployment and motorcycles?) And that’s just some of what’s happening now. I do however have strength to walk the seemingly dark path to my next bright vision of them thriving, happy and fulfilled.
My dearest Randy. You’ve gotten some good advice from those who are in a much better position to give guidance. I’ve had two stepdaughters, but I didn’t get to really “raise them” because they spent so little time with us each month. My younger stepdaughter was “demon possessed” until until she was 15, and it was hell on all of us. But she was young enough to control. Those days with Chelsea are gone.
You have been a good mother. I’ve seen you with your child. I can only imagine the psychic toll this is taking on you, your especially when your home is no longer a sanctuary and your special “little buddy” has disappeared.
Doing this by yourself demands emotional and energy resources that run pretty scarce at times. Single moms often are friends with their kids, and Suzanne is right, that can be problematic at times like these. That much I do I know.
I know that it’s important to take care of yourself first. That sounds selfish, and it truly easy for me to say. But I know that it’s right. If you don’t, there’s no hope for you to have the strength or wisdom to handle this. I’m not sure what taking care of yourself first looks like for you, but think about the things you’ve done that have made you happy before, and force yourself to do them again.
Maybe join a group of parents in the same situation. Maybe buy that DVD series that Helme recommended. Go out with a friend. Meditate. That’s what finally changed my attitude about “demon child” and it changed the way I interacted with her. And THAT changed the way she interacted with me. It was amazing.
The bottom line is you have to change what you’ve been doing to get different results. A greater degree of emotional detachment, with love, often helps.
As I said, I’m not the best qualified to give advice, but you know we each have so often seen things more clearly for one another than we have seen for ourselves. I can only hope that you’ll take some of the suggestions offered by these wonderful Risk-A-Day writers. They have helped me so very much.
I love you, and I’ll continue to hold you and Chelsea in my thoughts and heart. You are the mom. Remember that. She ISN’T going to like you right now, but she does love you. I’ve seen it. That one thing I know I’m right about.
I don’t have children or any advice. I just wanted you to know that I’m sending you love and light.
like kitty, i don’t have any children or any advice. but i am quite struck and touched by your frankness, your vivid images, your gifts of words and survivability…and your Speaking Truth To Power. no cliche’s will fix things ~~but trust your sturdy instincts, even on the most hellish days. sending Light your way~
Randy,
Such a touching and somewhat familiar story. You’ve gotten lots of excellent, wonderful and supportive words of wisdom from our fellow bloogers.
No one can predict when or why the tide will turn, but I have no doubt it will, and although your relationship with your daughter may not be the same as it was, it will be a different version and quite possibly better.
To echo some awesome advice, tell her you love her and are proud of her often, even when you’re sure she’s not hearing you. Take care of yourself. She may act like she resents it if she’s not the center of your universe, but in the end, it will help both of you.
With all these wonderful words of wisdom and support you have received, you will be able to find the form of “tough love” which will work for you.
Just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you and your daughter.